TV Revue by Jacob Aquino
Well, that was quite the finale, huh?! Somehow nearly everyone involved made a brand new idiotic decision, or continued to make the same boneheaded ones they began many episodes ago. The lone exception to this was Eric, of course. Though it’s only because he *finally* snapped out of it and realized, hey I’m a powerful vampire who’s aged just a day over a millennia, I can sooo kill these pathetic humans. Seriously, why did it take Eric this long to realize this? That Mr. Gus and his henchmen were just regular old Yakuza humans that never really posed a threat unless they had Pam hostage? And did anyone else get a slightly racist tinge that these guys Tokyo-drifted all over rural Louisiana? Did they import the cars straight from Japan? Why couldn’t they just hire a car service? Eric bobbing his head in the car was single fun moment in this episode.
That’s right, Eric and Pam taking over the world, peddling cans of New Blood, was simply not very good/entertaining, even though the cheese that oozed from the infomercial was completely intentional. Had Eric’s expression been that of more feigned interest as he as oft been prone to wear throughout the series, it would have played out in a much more satisfying manner.
The Sarah Newlin conflict: we get that she’s a cockroach-variety survivalist, ready to do whatever is necessary in order see tomorrow, but offering to convert to lesbianism for Pam’s sake felt like the writers trying way too hard to incorporate an element of trashiness that was all but absent in the finale otherwise. Also when Pam bit into her jugular she said something about not yet having been vaccinated, yet all throughout since the HEP-V outbreak, it’s been referred to as an antidote. To my limited medical understanding, a vaccine inoculates a person from disease by rendering them immune before exposure. Now again, I’m no expert, but an antidote is a remedy that counteracts the effects of a disease that is already set in, correct? So True Blood, which is it? Is Ms. Newlin’s blood an antidote or a vaccine? I’m not sure it can be both.
And to be condemned to a lifetime of blood prostitution seems to be getting off a bit light in my opinion. Even whilst being tormented by a Steve Newlin figment of your imagination. For such a despicable character, I’m not sure why the writers decided to hold back in this regard.
That wedding. U-G-H. Bill is guilting people into lifelong commitments because he’s voluntarily choosing to die? Drink some blood and live long enough to see Jessica and Hoyt’s relationship get there on its own. Lord knows Hoyt is prone making rash decisions in the same time it takes most people to decide what menu item they want off of the McDonald’s breakfast menu. Seems like a great wagon to hitch your star to Jess, especially considering you just had sex with Jason a few episodes ago. You know, that whole action that made you and Hoyt break up in the first place, all those years ago, when this was a whole different caliber show.
At least we now know why so many Civil War Bill-themed flashbacks were shown now. Because at the last second he wanted to be reunited with his long-deceased daughter. Even though Jessica had filled that surrogate position for some time now and he even warmly guilted her into a spontaneous wedding with a guy who knew her for close to a day. He could’ve taken the Newlin blood and let Jessica/Hoyt run their course and get married a couple of years down the road and then staked himself.
Why Sookie, would you voluntarily choose to keep your powers/essence that make you the vampire bait that you claim to resent so much? (There was even a flashback where Sookie mentioned to Tara how much she hated having to hear all the nasty thoughts that boys tend to have; she doesn’t like being different!) After Bill is gone, are the vamps/monsters/ghouls-of-the-week just going to leave you completely alone? So she kills the love of her adult life and then finds happiness with a faceless stranger years later where she finds herself barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen whipping up some Southern Thanksgiving goodness. Kind of goes against your whole independent feminist spirit that was so present many seasons ago at the dawn of a very different show than what was on display in this train wreck of a finale.
What began as a guilty pleasure of something fun that had something to say about LGBT rights has somehow sunk to… I don’t even know what to call tonight, or this entire season, really, other than just ‘bad.’ The Hep-V storyline was an interesting one, but was marred by bad creative decisions every step of the way. It could have, you know, been something of actual substance and interest. It didn’t help that the Big Bad was a Yakuza gang leader who spoke with a drawl and wore a big hat. Nor did it help that major characters were killed off screen. Or that minor irritating characters were given a ton of dedicated screen time, while other less irritating minor characters disappeared for whole episodes at a time. Or that Jason had eschewed his Jason-ness in a single episode after 79 consistent ones. I can’t imagine fans slogging through True Blood marathons years from now are going to want to suffer through Billith, Warlow and this ever again.
TRR TV Revue by Jacob Aquino
Final Grade: D (THIS IS VERY GENEROUS)